The Renegade
by girlfromgraz
Summary: Some Mass Effect drabbles - and vignettes - concearning Commander Cirilla Shepard's difficulties in dealing with the events on Horizon. Because as a Hero of the Alliance, she's never before had to cope with love and rejection... Former Shenko.
1. Commercials

**Commercials**

"My name is Commander Shepard, and this is my favourite store in the Citadel."

The Drell at her side looked up in amazement. In the short time Thane had known her he had never heard the Commander speak in such soft, sweet tones. The words flowed over her tongue like sweet honey and poured over her lips like syrup. The contrast to her hard features, the cold eyes and the reddish-glowing scars on her cheeks couldn't have been more intense.

Tali was perfectly aware that Shepard did not record the commercial because of the discount. They had made enough money to buy the whole inventory of the shop. And Tali had lost count of the times Shepard had spoken said lines.

But she had heard that tone in Shepard's voice before. For one moment, Tail was reminded of the old Shepard. But that woman was gone. And with her her gaiety, her joy in life, her humanness. The last spark of her had died two days ago. On Horizon.

"This," Shepard said turning for the door while bestowing Tali with a wolfish grin, "is revenge."

And for once, Tali was glad for her facial mask and the anonymity it provided.


	2. Burning

**Burning**

He once had meant something to her. Had been special. In between all the fighting and dying, she had allowed herself one weakness: to love.

Two years had gone by but to her it seemed like mere weeks had passed since the destruction of the Normandy. All she could recall from that time were faint echoes of feelings. Hurt and pain. But mostly feelings of comfort, trust, and safety. Because he had been there. With her.

The first thing Cirilla Shepard did when she returned from the mission on Horizon was to burn his picture. In the Normandy's drive core.


	3. What Came Back

**What Came Back**

"Shepard, you scare me."

She barks a laugh. It echoes from the walls of the battery room around them. His mandibles twitch in dismay at her reaction.

"Do I, Garrus?"

"You're not the Commander I worked with before," the Turian confesses. Because he once has had a good relationship with her did Tali and Joker talk him into confronting Shepard.

Shepard shrugs. "This me is who came back from the dead." Deformed shadows dance on her disfigured face. It hurts to see what she is doing to herself.

"No," he shakes his head. "Not from the dead, Shepard. From Horizon."


	4. Some People

**Some People**

"Commander! Rumor has it you died when the Normandy was destroyed."

The reporter has cornered her.

"Yes, it's true."

"So... how come you're back?" the reporter presses on.

Shepard's lips twist into the scowl she is perfectly aware distresses most people. She has neglected to tend the slow-healing remnants of her wounds recently and, instead of only decelerating the healing process, the scars on her body have begun to split open anew.

She knows how bad she looks as she moves closer to the camera.

"Because some people did not give up on me," she hisses.


	5. Loosing It!

**Loosing It**

"You are loosing it, Shepard."

Dr. Chawkas' voice pulls her to a stop on her way through the med bay. Shepard's eyes, formerly brown but shining with a reddish tinge since she has stopped her post-resurrection treatments, meet the doctor's solemn ones.

"Don't stare at me when I tell you the truth," Dr. Chawkas composed voice breaks the silence after a moment.

Shepard forces herself not to throw the doctor out the med bay's window with a biotic blast. What she has done to Garrus the other day still horrifies that tiny shard of humanity left inside her. Instead, she slowly wills herself to ask: "What am I loosing?"

The doctor does not flinch at the opposing threat, though she must be able to see the aura of biotic concentration flare around the Commander.

"Your sanity, Shepard."

"I'm fine," Shepard retorts.

The doctor sighs. "You are acting like a teenager, Shepard. You used to be so strong. The Hero of the Citadel. I never believed you would crumble under what one single man did to you."

What saved Dr. Chawkas that day was that, by all means, Commander Shepard wanted to avoid "acting like a teenager", as the doctor had put it.


	6. Don't Go Rogue

**Don't Go Rogue**

Jack had found her on the Hangar Deck, unconscious and bleeding. And she was with her when she awoke in the med bay.

"Why, Shepard?"

She remembered it had been a dream that had put her in such a rage. She had dreamt of him. And his words had kept on echoing in her head long after she had awoken. No matter how hard she fought, pleaded or cursed, they still remained in her head, silenced for the instant only to resurface again moments later. It was only one sentence, but it haunted her the entire day: "Don't go rogue, Ciri."


	7. Sparring

**Sparring**

"Shepard, you're pathetic."

Jack was sitting on an empty crate, her feet dangling loosely.

"I always beat you, you're far too emotional."

Jack was the only one who would spar with her these days. And in the foul mood she was in most of the time, she was running on nothing but hatred and rage.

"The Doc told me why you're doing this."

"You know nothing," Shepard spat, picking her body up from the ground.

Jack laughed. "So you man ditched you. Big deal." She jumped down from the crate. "Just get over it."


	8. Let Me Down

**Let Me Down**

Emily Wong at first thought the message a joke when the unscathed face on her screen stated rank and name. The last time she had seen Commander Shepard in person, her face had been disfigured beyond recognition.

"This is Commander Shepard." the message read. "I am taking the Normandy through the Omega 4 Relay, to end the Collector's threat to our colonies. Against all odds, I hope to return from this suicide mission. And I hope that, if I return, I can count on your support." She paused, smiling sadly. "Because I need it. Don't let me down again."


End file.
